HOW TO BE A BLESSING TO YOUR FRIENDS

This question has been lurking in the back of my mind in recent weeks, brought on by many little instances from many directions. How are we a blessing to each other?

It's easy enough to point to the things we do that do not bless the people around us. Out and out violence, of course, does harm. But there are also the casual passing expressions (both facial and verbal) that leave behind fine, bleeding cuts in our souls. Inattention to what others say can leave wounds: too many times I have seen someone's focus drift away when supposedly conversing with me. I don't mean that sudden distraction when something notable passes by, but rather the bland sort of "uh huh" reactions while the supposed listener actually scans about and around me, as if that person is looking for something more interesting than me.

I do hope I am not boring, of course. But it still is disconcerting when someone asks how I've been, and then by body language and lack of eye contact communicates he or she isn't really interested in my answer.

So lately I've been taking note of the small things that I find bless me. Because if I know what I appreciate receiving, it becomes easier to turn that around to give to others.

For instance, I recently acquired plantar faciitis in my right foot. I'm well aware of the possible causes for this condition: during the autumn, while in the clutches of a major frustration and depression, I regained weight I had lost over the previous two years. Not a good thing and it affects many aspects of life. Dealing with the regained weight has to be a slow process, so that I don't strain the body and my health by too drastic action. While in this condition, I attended a convention that included a lot of walking on a hard convention floor over the course of three days. Hence the foot strain causing the faciitis.

From many friends I got sympathy (from those who have had similar experiences) and advice in dealing with the condition. Those responses blessed me. But there was a tiny minority that instead gave me a lecture about the cause and how I seriously need to lose the weight. Now, I'm not doubting the genuine affection and concern of these friends. But when those taking this approach have not even inquired about my recent life experiences, nor asked if I understood the cause, instead of feeling their concern, I feel the sting of being treated as if I were clueless about my own conditions.

The sympathy and positive recommendations for immediate treatement blessed me. The "You are apparently clueless about the bigger causes" lectures did not. I'm not asking to be allowed to wallow in ignorance, but really, I don't think approaching me as if I am ignorant is the best, most loving way of giving me advice, especially when you don't even bother to find out whether or not I know anything about the subject of your recommendation.

It's that inattention thing popping up.

This last weekend, I was at the LA Times Festival of Books, helping at the booth that the Greater Los Angeles Writers Society had. I was helping people sign up for our email list. One of my friends in the group was out in the pedestrian traffic, telling the curious about the group and the various authors in the group. He had gotten a copy of my own The Scribbler's Guide to the Land of Myth in January, and has become very enthusiastic about it. So I had the startling pleasure of over-hearing him praise and recommend my book to someone else (even though I did not have copies with me for sale).

It reminded me of how we all bloom when our work is praised. Yes, there is the danger of turning into a "famewhore" or at least an attention vampire. But just because there might be that danger in someone's personality, is that a reason to withhold praise? Because I know my own need for feedback, and also that I like to know that my work has given pleasure to someone else, I like to make sure that I tell my friends when I have liked their work.

But I try to take it a step beyond that, as well. Particularly since so many of my friends make their livings by their writing or artwork. So, as I frequently say with a bit of humor, I shill for them. I praise the books of this friend, because they are good and I do enjoy them. I praise the artwork of that friend, because I find pleasure in looking at the work to the degree of paying to own some of it. I tell others about the musical talents of a third friend, because I feel sure they will enjoy the music as much as I do. Basically, I try to help expand the audience my friends reach.

And I try to make sure that my writer, artist, musician and actor friends know I am supporting them this way.

Do onto others as you would have them do onto you.

Yes, a much more concise way of putting what I've been talking about.

How often do we really think of that instruction and what it can look like in our lives? How often do we step out even more pro-actively to give these blessings to others? Let us remember how we feel nourished by these occasional precious drops of praise and so make sure that we do our part in giving those blessings to others.