OFF THE CLIFF

It’s been a month of changes.

A while ago, I talked about breaking out of a cocoon. Would that events had kept to that nice, comparatively gentle, even beautiful metaphor. But they didn’t.

Instead, things happened that were like a cosmic kick in the seat of the pants. A sudden fall off the edge of a cliff.

The details of the events aren’t really important. What is important was that I had gotten myself into a state where I was trying to substitute “doing my job well” for a deeper, necessary aesthetic satisfaction. I tried to make the regular tasks give me the same satisfaction I get from a well-completed piece of creative work. And the day-job just could not do it. So I got depressed. Severely. For a long time.

The sudden change of events, when it seemed like everything was going to fall apart, fall away, was alarming at first. Very scary. I sought out the prayers and support of some close friends, crying as I explained the situation to them. There was comfort in their love for me, even the simple act of just letting me talk out the events. But beyond that, their prayers did sustain me. I woke up the next day, much calmer and more composed, and able to face consequences and possibilities.

I also felt freer and happier than I have in a long, long time.

Which told me how badly I’d gone astray on a deep level. I’d let the on-going security the day-job provided become a trap, holding me back from stepping out and completely trusting God while following my heart’s desire and the abilities, the talents, He had given me. I suddenly realized that “Security” - something we all tend to value highly - is not necessarily the best thing for us.

There I was, falling off the cliff, being forced to stretch out my wings and see if I can fly. Terrifying. And strangely exhilarating.

To realize that, in all reality, there is no other solid ground to stand upon except the Lord. And that I have no choice but to trust in Him entirely.

Yes, I knew this before. Yes, I’d even been in this startling place before, but that was a long time ago. I obviously needed some serious reminding.

And what happened? God was merciful with me. I had calculated possible lines of action based on two extreme possibilities. His solution was something in the middle, which rather floored me (because it brought along other things that I’ll probably blog about later). I now know with a certainty what it is that I need to do, to get my life back into a more fulfilling - and frankly, God honoring - track. And I’ve been given a degree of security for the time it takes to put those things into motion.

The eaglet got shoved out of the nest from the top of a very high cliff. She spread her wings, flapped, and wheeled a bit, and found that she actually could fly. But also that fortunately, since she isn’t yet prepared for long flights, she can still make her home in the nest, as she learns this flying business better.

Isaiah 40: 31 –
Yet those who wait for the Lord will gain new strength; They will mount up with wings like eagles, They will run and not get tired, They will walk and not become weary.

It’s scary and exhilarating, trusting the Lord that completely. It’s unreasonable, almost insane, in the eyes of our modern world. But the Lord who knows of the fall of the least sparrow, will not let me slide through His fingers and be lost.

And that has given me an amazing joy once again.