PROCRASTINATION

Human nature being inconsistent, I "proudly" proclaim my inconsistency. In spite of ambition, and impatience, I've also been making a close, careful study of the art of procrastination.

I suppose it springs from a bizarre fear of success, but I don't want to deal with that right now. (Procrastination.) Instead, I'll muse on what keeps us from tackling the things we say we want to get done. (Procrastination.)

There are a couple of projects that I could be working on right now. One is a script rewrite, that I'm thinking of submitting to a screenwriting contest. The initial deadline is the middle of October, with the final submission deadline in mid-November. The other is a proposal to a small comic book company. But of these projects are already in pretty good shape. They just need me to sit down and spend some time on them.

Instead.... I'm writing this blog. After having done some web-surfing, checking out some message boards I participate on, reading the blogs of friends. Puttering.

I could even switch to some alternate procrastination. I could be working on my website - preparing material, learning the page-building program. I do want to get that up and running in the near future (after all, I've coughed up for the domain and hosting for a year - must get some value out of it besides new email addresses).

And then there's the housework I could be doing. But of course, if it's a choice between housework and writing, I'm more likely to chose writing.

Okay, so I can't avoid the matter of "fear of success". Because it's at the root of why I put things off.

I like to think that I'm a fairly self-reflective person, that I do understand those things that rumble around in my psyche. But as long as I've had this thing about procrastination (and it goes way back), I still can't figure out why I keep giving into it. It's not as if I'm really an incompetent person, and not doing stuff keeps people from finding that out. Quite the opposite, really. I've been able to do most of the things I've put my hand to (well, that semester of meta-logic was a bit mind boggling, but I think I missed one crucial class in that).

I think I drag my feet on things because if I deliver, then people expect things from me. They expect more work of the same level. They expect more of the same, whatever it might be. But me, I don't always like doing the same thing. Say I write a great action script: people expect the next thing to be the same. But me, I might chose to write a romantic comedy next (there is one tumbling around in my brain, after all). And the battle with other people's expectations can be a tiring thing.

If I stay where I am, then nobody can try to put me in the pigeon hole they think is "right" for me. I don't like living in pigeon holes. In fact, I have a habit of knocking the sides out of them, given the opportunity. So, being quiet, is... well, quieter.

Unfortunately, I'm now getting restless with the pigeon hole I put myself in. Avoiding hassles, avoiding having to combat expectations has gotten me backed into a corner. I've gone through a period where the corner was enough. But, alas, that time is passing. I'm tired of the corner. I'm going to have to do something.

Once upon a time, this restlessness got worked out by me moving my furniture around. For a while, I used to do it every couple of years or so. But I haven't done that in a long time, simply because I've acquired too much "stuff" by now. Cases filled with books and tapes and DVDs. There's no space to move anything in. So, I no longer have that external option of venting this impulse. I may actually have to deal with the real reason.

Funny how God does that with us. Lets us run ourselves out, and then is right there when we stop.

Because really, what's going on is that I somehow, for some reason, fear that I'm not a competent steward of the talents God has given me. In spite of evidence to the contrary. At least that insecurity keeps me humble about my work.

Having come to that conclusion... why am I still here? Procrastinating. I could go have something to eat for dinner, of course. That would take up some time. But there'd still be some time left in the day to do some of that housework... or writing.

Hmmm. That choice. Yeah, it will probably be writing. After all, that's one of the talents the Lord has given me. I may have no talent at all for housecleaning. I haven't seen any evidence of it recently. But then that could be procrastination too.

OUTSIDE OF TIME

I had a conversation with my sister in late August, before Katrina hit the Gulf Coast, about something I'd said to her years ago. I'd been talking about a prayer concept of mine that had been influenced by the writings of Charles Williams. About praying for those in the past.

Because we ourselves are so completely bound to the forward movement of time, we don't often think about the matter of prayer from God's point of view. Because we can't go back and change our past, however much we might want to do so, it never occurs to us to "pray backward."

But God is outside time. God is in Eternity. God is Eternal.

We tend to think of "eternal" as just comprising the full scope of time. Because the only analogy we have is ourselves. And aside from the matter of how understanding has to grow with the child, and the lapses of memory caused by illness and injury, we do "know the whole of our own lives". So I think we tend to think of God's timelessness as similar to our knowing our own timeline. And that God can look back on a past event the same way we look back on something that happened in fourth grade.

But that's not really omniscience nor omnipotence. Nor does it exactly mesh with the scriptural statement of God knowing someone from "before the womb".

I think time is as much a creation as physical existence. And God is not bound by time.

So what has that to do with praying for those in the past?

Well, it's not about changing the past, that's for sure. Because we know that doesn't happen. God won't do it. He doesn't "go back" and undo our choices. He just takes the consequences and makes new things from the pieces.

I think we all get locked into the pattern of looking at prayer as a petition for action. "Do this, Lord." "Don't let that happen, Lord." "Lord, I don't like where I see this going, divert it."

But I think the Lord wants our prayers to be more than that. Communion with Him, first and foremost. A spending time of Him, without putting forward our petitions and agendas, without our active waiting for marching orders. And I think that when we pray for others, He wants it to be more than just the petitioning aspect. Yes, it is good when we ask Him things on behalf of others. It's an exercise in our stretching our ability to love, that we take the time to pray on behalf of someone else. And God is all about growing our ability to love others.

But what about the ancient Church admonitions "Pray for the saints", "Pray for the dead"?

Pray for the dead?

The Protestant tradition has long since pretty much brushed aside the concept of Purgatory. So what need do the Dead have of our prayers after they have died? Now, I don't really know if there is or is not a Purgatory. Part of my mind thinks the idea makes sense: I know that no matter what, I cannot myself be pure enough by the time I die to see God face-to-face. Something in me will have to be purged. But the idea that that purging might take "years"? I don't know. But it's a side issue to what I'm after today anyway.

What if there is something very real and important about praying for the Dead - from God's point of view?

And what would it mean to pray for the dead, pray for those distressed in the past?

Sit still and let your imagination reach outward from your own concerns. Think of someone facing something awful, like the rising storm waters in the dark hours of Katrina's landfall. No way out, no physical help coming. Certain death. What good will our prayers, backward in time, do for that person?

Well, what is it that we pray for our friends who are in present time facing adversity over which we have no power? Courage. Assurance of God's love for them. Providence. Peace. Because those gifts always come to us from God outside of time. And are they not good gifts to send?

Perhaps one prayer from now, sent backward, brings just that little extra kick of determination that saves someone from giving up and dying. What if that prayer sent backward helps someone ripped from his family find the courage to stay alive, to not give up, to ask for help, to find a way to endure the griefs and challenges?

We send our prayers from inside time to a God who is outside time. Do you really think it matters to God that the prayer is about something in our past? I don't. I think it matters to Him who is eternally present in every moment of time, that we simply stretched our love enough to pray for someone else. And He takes that love and adds it to the infinite measure of His own love. Not because there is any insufficiency in His love. But because our prayers and our love are like special seasoning to the food of His love. It pleases Him to add it in, as it makes a connection between the person praying and the person being prayed for.

So. Pray for the dead. Pray for those in dispair, anywhere, anytime. But let it be more than just words. Think about what you are doing. By the grace of God, you are given the opportunity to tap into His eternal nature, to send a blessing and a gift backward to those who so desparately need it.

I know I'm guilty of praying less often and less deeply than I could or ought, even for those I care about deeply. I let the troubles of my own life fill up my thoughts, squeezing out other matters. But the marvel of this arrangement where God is outside time is that He doesn't care when we pray for others. He cares that we pray for others.