Human nature being inconsistent, I "proudly" proclaim my inconsistency. In spite of ambition, and impatience, I've also been making a close, careful study of the art of procrastination.
I suppose it springs from a bizarre fear of success, but I don't want to deal with that right now. (Procrastination.) Instead, I'll muse on what keeps us from tackling the things we say we want to get done. (Procrastination.)
There are a couple of projects that I could be working on right now. One is a script rewrite, that I'm thinking of submitting to a screenwriting contest. The initial deadline is the middle of October, with the final submission deadline in mid-November. The other is a proposal to a small comic book company. But of these projects are already in pretty good shape. They just need me to sit down and spend some time on them.
Instead.... I'm writing this blog. After having done some web-surfing, checking out some message boards I participate on, reading the blogs of friends. Puttering.
I could even switch to some alternate procrastination. I could be working on my website - preparing material, learning the page-building program. I do want to get that up and running in the near future (after all, I've coughed up for the domain and hosting for a year - must get some value out of it besides new email addresses).
And then there's the housework I could be doing. But of course, if it's a choice between housework and writing, I'm more likely to chose writing.
Okay, so I can't avoid the matter of "fear of success". Because it's at the root of why I put things off.
I like to think that I'm a fairly self-reflective person, that I do understand those things that rumble around in my psyche. But as long as I've had this thing about procrastination (and it goes way back), I still can't figure out why I keep giving into it. It's not as if I'm really an incompetent person, and not doing stuff keeps people from finding that out. Quite the opposite, really. I've been able to do most of the things I've put my hand to (well, that semester of meta-logic was a bit mind boggling, but I think I missed one crucial class in that).
I think I drag my feet on things because if I deliver, then people expect things from me. They expect more work of the same level. They expect more of the same, whatever it might be. But me, I don't always like doing the same thing. Say I write a great action script: people expect the next thing to be the same. But me, I might chose to write a romantic comedy next (there is one tumbling around in my brain, after all). And the battle with other people's expectations can be a tiring thing.
If I stay where I am, then nobody can try to put me in the pigeon hole they think is "right" for me. I don't like living in pigeon holes. In fact, I have a habit of knocking the sides out of them, given the opportunity. So, being quiet, is... well, quieter.
Unfortunately, I'm now getting restless with the pigeon hole I put myself in. Avoiding hassles, avoiding having to combat expectations has gotten me backed into a corner. I've gone through a period where the corner was enough. But, alas, that time is passing. I'm tired of the corner. I'm going to have to do something.
Once upon a time, this restlessness got worked out by me moving my furniture around. For a while, I used to do it every couple of years or so. But I haven't done that in a long time, simply because I've acquired too much "stuff" by now. Cases filled with books and tapes and DVDs. There's no space to move anything in. So, I no longer have that external option of venting this impulse. I may actually have to deal with the real reason.
Funny how God does that with us. Lets us run ourselves out, and then is right there when we stop.
Because really, what's going on is that I somehow, for some reason, fear that I'm not a competent steward of the talents God has given me. In spite of evidence to the contrary. At least that insecurity keeps me humble about my work.
Having come to that conclusion... why am I still here? Procrastinating. I could go have something to eat for dinner, of course. That would take up some time. But there'd still be some time left in the day to do some of that housework... or writing.
Hmmm. That choice. Yeah, it will probably be writing. After all, that's one of the talents the Lord has given me. I may have no talent at all for housecleaning. I haven't seen any evidence of it recently. But then that could be procrastination too.