CONFESSIONS OF A CONTROL FREAK

So, it's been almost two months since I asked God to turn my life upside-down. I thought it would be good to review how well I'm handling this.

Well... truth is, not so well at all. In the sense that I keep trying various tacks, trying to get control "back". (Never really had it, of course, be we all have our beloved illusions.) The latest battlefield has been on the matter of "I don't know WHAT you are doing!"

Very interesting things have been coming together in the oddest ways, and I do feel that God's hand is in them. And yet, I can't make heads or tales of what His plans are for them to become! It's very frustrating. There are the things I want them to be, and then there are things that they might happen (still good things, to be sure). And He won't tell me what's going on.

I thought I was so good and practiced at this thing of surrender and trusting Him. Turns out, I am one very stubborn control freak. So many of my discussions with God lately have begun "But... but... but...." "You made me this way!" He doesn't seem very impressed by this "reasoning". I gave it all into His hands, I made an honest surrender to Him, and He's holding me to it. Without giving me any hints.

My problem is that I usually can work with a lot of insight and foresight. I'm pretty good at reading currents and considering my options and laying the plans to get me from Point A to Point B. But now it seems that Point B might not even be part of the Big Picture.

Last week, an online friend took it upon himself to speak to an editor about me. The editor was new to his position, and I didn't know him in any fashion. The previous holder of his position I had established something of a relationship with. But I was thinking, after that editor left for his own pursuits, that I was back to square one. And I was laying my plans for how to proceed with the new guy. What my friend did in speaking up for me unexpectedly, jumped me back up three spaces. I was not expecting that. I wasn't prepared for that.

And that's typical of things that have been going on since the prayer request. I can't make heads or tails of what God is up to. But it is interesting. And every time I complain about the circumstances, every time I whine that I don't understand, and I want to know, and He's got to tell me what will happen so I can prepare.... all I get back is "Be yourself."

Be myself? You mean.... stop tiptoeing around things for the sake of other people's comfort? Stop biting my flippant tongue when my sense of humor gets turned up? Stop being wary and cautious about what would happen if I just let it all rip? Is He out of his mind?

I was wrestling with this last Sunday. And eventually discovered that what I was afraid of was not having control. Except, of course, I never did have control. We all "know" this. But I don't know that I've ever felt it this completely. And I'm still digging my heels in about it. Oh, yes, Lord! Drag me along! And all He returns is "Do you trust Me?"

How do you argue with that?

Well, you don't. But I still keep trying.

It's an adventure. Not particularly comfortable, but then that's the nature of adventures.