MAKING PEACE


Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God.
(Matthew 5: 9 – NAS)

Few people really want to be peacemakers. It is not a fun task. And yet, when one steps in everyone is thankful that the person was there.

We’ve all been in family or social or work situations where a conflict has sprung up between two people. The reasons for the conflict don’t even matter. These two people are clashing in public and are affecting everyone around them. The atmosphere becomes uncomfortable, and usually the onlookers cannot escape. Sometimes, the conflict spreads, as the onlookers take up one side or the other. The chaos and anger expands outward, disrupting everything.

Who in their right mind wants to get into the middle of all that? Who wants to step up and get between fighters? Who wants to become the sudden target of everyone whose emotions are caught up in the battle?

Nobody.

Nobody wants to do that, I should say.

Conflict throws things out of balance. It causes everyone to lose their equilibrium. And we need to have that in order to move onward effectively in our lives.

So someone has to step up.

What does it take to be a peacemaker, to restore balance to a situation?

It takes a sense of vision, to be able to see both sides of a situation. It requires the ability to know how each side arrived at their current place. The Peacemaker needs to be able to determine where things “went off the rails.”

It isn’t possible to resolve every single conflict around us. Some clashes run very, very deep and are beyond the ability of any one person to bring back into balance. But we all have the capability of nudging things back toward the point of equilibrium.

Telling anyone that they are wrong – even when they are – is no easy task. Because most people stand at a point believing they have done everything right. Pointing out to them everything they have done wrong doesn’t help, because they can’t always see it. It takes work to get some who is in a conflict to even look at the causes for the conflict, because hurt feelings and a sense of self-righteousness get in the way of direct examination.

I don’t like the vibe of conflict around me. But that’s an incomplete statement, for I’m as willing as the next person to get into an argument with someone about an idea or a principle or a choice. I can be just as passionate about my opinions as the next person. But there often comes a point when the arguments and disagreements move beyond mere contention and move into outright battle. And that’s where I prefer to stop. It isn’t that I fear being destroyed, though. I fear my ability to destroy others. I don’t care if I get wounded – well, not much, because I can recover from a wound. But how do I recover from so crushing someone that they bleed out (figuratively speaking)? Because I know I am just as capable as the next person in delivering such a blow. I pay attention to those around me, and I often know exactly what their weak spot might be. I’ve even been known to take jabs at those points, when I’ve been down, distress, and feeling resentful. Not a pretty picture.

But in knowing how easy it is to damage and crush someone, I find that the prospect of doing it gives me no pleasure at all. I want to get back to a balance where I can enjoy things.

And that is what can motivate someone to step in and risk being attacked by both sides of a conflict. It is the search for balance for everyone.

Making peace does not mean that everyone has to walk away all happy and lovey-dovey. That isn’t always possible. Sometimes, making peace consists of getting both sides to agree and acknowledge that neither will get everything they want, but yet a working balance can be achieved between them. This doesn’t have to be done in big ways, for even small things can have big consequences.

I once knew a man who, when I got to know him, spoke of his ex-wife almost always as “Annie’s mother” (Annie being the daughter they had together – and yes, the name has been changed here). Since he and I and the ex-wife (by this time happily remarried) all moved in the same social circles, I found his circumlocution ... disappointing, to put it mildly. It was, I felt, a way for him to deny his ex-wife’s personhood, and it didn’t really do any of them, or me, any good. So I refused to play along. I never said to him, “She has a name.” (Or at least I don’t think I did.) Instead, if she came up in conversation, I would refer to her by name. The change was not immediate, but gradually, as he became more willing to speak his ex-wife’s name, he also became more willing to be publicly gracious to her and get on with his own life. I like to feel I contributed a little bit to that, by restoring a balance that had been lost.

It’s one thing to do this when you are the disinterested third party, not directly in conflict with either of the contenders. It’s quite another thing to be the peacemaker when you are one of the parties in conflict.

To become the peacemaker in that circumstance means cultivating the ability to step back and examine one’s own behavior. It isn’t fun being honest with yourself about a clash you have with someone else. On top of that, the other person is often resentful and doesn’t want to deal with you. But if balance and peace are important to you, you shouldn’t put it off. You have to be honest both about your own actions and acknowledging how they obviously were received and about the actions of the other person and how they set you off. I’m not talking about accusing the other person of anything but rather simply a “When you did this, this is how I reacted, how I felt. And that’s why I then did this other thing.” Avoiding the matter of who is right or wrong means that the other person doesn’t have to dig in their heels to defend themselves. This is a harder process.

But look what Jesus says about those who can do this – “they shall be called sons of God.” Okay, so he was speaking to a patrilinear society where the position of women was rather subordinate, particularly in matters of inheritance. In one of his letters, Paul makes clear that the inheritance extends to all believers, and I think this is what Jesus is speaking to here. The Peacemakers shall be called the immediate heirs of the God of Creation.

What a splendiferous thing that is! If we choose to exercise this quality, we shall be seen and named as being of the direct family of God. Now that is a blessing indeed. Are you bold enough to reach for it?