SHATTERED RELATIONSHIPS


It was said, 'Whoever sends his wife away, let him give her a certificate of divorce'; but I say to you that everyone who divorces his wife, except for the reason of unchastity, makes her commit adultery; and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery.  (Matthew 5: 31-32 NAS)

This is a hard one. I don't know if I've found my way to a complete answer on it. For I have had a number of close friends - believers - who have gone through divorces. And I do not question their virtues. Those of the ex-spouses, maybe. One woman I know had been utterly committed to the sanctity of marriage, not “believing in divorce.” Yet when her marriage fell apart (later revelations showed he never treated her as an equal partner), she was greatly distressed at the prospect of divorce. In the very conservative congregation she attended, she became shunned for leaving a marriage that was actually smothering the person God intended her to be. And it's not as if she promptly fell into promiscuous behavior. She did not. She was eventually courted by a godly man, who treated her with the proper respect and concern -- in fact they are still adorably in love, years later. It is a good marriage, and I believe God has blessed it. 

So what are we to make of what Jesus says here? I expect that the following verses about the nature of vows have a great deal to do with this passage. But for now, let’s really look at what He is saying.

When He begins with “You have heard it said,” Jesus is acknowledging that Hebrew law does have a means of providing for divorce. The law is an acknowledgement that we live in a fallen world, where relationships do not always work out. Jesus is well aware of that fact. I don’t think He’s turning a blind eye to the suffering that comes in toxic relationships. But once again, He is looking deeper into things, to their eternal consequences.

“Sending the wife away.” What a discrete phrase that is for the whole scenario! We see it often enough in our own age, on both sides of the gender fence. One spouse lets his or her interest wander, it settled upon a younger, brighter, sexier prospect, passion ignites and so the wandering spouse is ready to jump ship from the older relationship.

In the ancient Jewish culture, the man in the marriage had most all of the power. Even if his wife had been faithful and dutiful in the marriage, the husband had the power to “send her away.” What made the practice harsh on the woman was that culturally, the act of marriage was a ceremonial cutting of the woman’s ties to her family. She “married into” her husband’s family. If she was “sent away,” where was she to go? She might be sent back to her father’s house, but if she’d been married for any length of time, what was to become of her there? She was, in effect, damaged goods, and her father was not likely to find any useful new marriage alliance for her. If her own family shunned her because of the divorce, she was worse off, for there were few honorable ways for such a woman to make a living. If she had skills such as weaving or pottery making, she would still need money to buy the materials and equipment needed for the work, and far too often she would not have such money.

There were disastrous consequences for the woman who was “sent away.” There is an objectification lying behind that careful phrase. “She was sent away.” To what fate? But that is no longer the former husband’s concern. She’s out of his life. Not his responsibility.

Jesus begs to differ with that attitude.

It has always seemed to me that Jesus takes this hard-line stand on divorce because there is something eternal about the bond of marriage. (Actually, I think the intent is that even the mere physical act of sexual union creates an eternal spiritual bond between the participants, but let us stay with what Jesus directly speaks to here.) God has sanctified a union that the man is choosing to break.

Once again, Jesus zeroes in on the importance of relationship. We are expected to consider the consequences of our actions on the people around us. When it comes to divorce, most individuals have reached an emotional point where they do not want to consider what will happen to the rejected spouse. Most of the time, they in fact DESIRE that the rejected spouse suffer dire circumstances. That relationship that began as something sanctified to God has become only so much garbage to throw out.

Except....

Jesus refuses to let us treat others as garbage. Look back to the Beatitudes, and how many of those are about relationship. Blessed are those who mourn – Jesus doesn’t just mean “those who are sorry for themselves.” We mourn the loss of other people who are close to us, who are important to us. Blessed are the meek, the gentle – this is specifically about how we conduct ourselves toward others, it is a social behavior. The attitude of a hermit living alone is whatever it is, for there is no one to interact with. But meekness and gentleness are qualities we extend to other living beings. Blessed are the merciful, blessed are the peacemakers – again, these are behaviors that spring from relationship, from interaction with other people. It is clear. Jesus does not think human beings are disposable trash.

It follows then that the marital relationship is one where these matters are amplified. If we are to be meek and gentle, merciful and peacemaking with the general populace around us, how much more are we expected to do these things in our most intimate relationship?

Very much more.

It still does not give us an easy guide book for dealing with shattered marital relationships in our day and age. I suppose that is the point: it is not supposed to be easy.