GETTING OUTSIDE THE BOX

So, here I've been considering what to do next regarding making new income. A challenge in this economy, to be sure. Especially after 18 years at a job that was, over all, great to have.

But the thing about that job is that it was "a job". It wasn't what I really wanted to be doing: that would be writing. So, leaving that behind me, the prospect of being able to do that was exciting. And indeed, in the last six months, when I have done writing, I've loved it.

But I still have to do something about that income.

Now mind you: I realized during the summer that given a choice about it, I really, really do not want to get another "office work" type job. Something to "make do" to keep the roof over the head. And the further I get away from the old office routine, the greater that feeling becomes. Yet, that income thing keeps nagging away. When I learned that I would be moving on, I considered the possibilities, and figured I would have to find the next employment myself. That whatever it would be, it wasn't going to come off job listings. By now, I'm over-qualified and too expensive for the types of jobs that get listed - especially in the entertainment business.

Even so, last week, I sat down and did some researching of entertainment jobs. And depressed myself a little with that search - because the situation was just as I'd anticipated.

Dear me, what shall I do?

Now, mind you, running counter to this angst-ing, the scripture messages at church, inspirational book passages I read during the week, passing comments said by friends online - almost every thoughtful thing I've encounter has had one core message: do what you love, do what you are good at, and do not fear the circumstances.

Gee, you think God might be trying to tell me something?

Heh.

The thing is, all my life, I've chosen to do things the hard way, with no short cuts. Like cooking from scratch. Swimming the full length of the pool (not short-cutting it with the distance boost gotten from a dive). From square one to the end. (Now, I wasn't completely stupid about it - I placed out of freshman English as an undergraduate, and was quite willing to jump from First Year Latin to Third Year Latin when given the opportunity.) I'm not content with the things I am sure I can do: every so often, I make a choice that challenges me. I make a choice that sets me "outside the box".

Of course, then I get immediately uncomfortable. The latest bit of that is that I've set myself to write some new TV spec scripts (I have some, but they are a few years old - I need fresh meat!). But I've chosen to tackle a couple of shows that, well, are unusual for specs, to say the least. If I succeed in doing a good job with them, they will be different enough to attract notice. If I don't, I'll set a lot of people shaking their heads wondering "What was she thinking of?"

It alarms me that I might have bitten off more than I can chew. But it's a very good sort of alarm. Because I am by nature competitive. I don't like "losing". The prospect of not mastering something nags at me. It lights a fire under me. Yeah, it excites me.

The control-freak in me wants to be sure I'll succeed. But there's no way to know that, until I do whatever it is in front of me. And to do that, basically, I have to throw caution to the winds and just jump into it.

"That's not the best choice." "That's not a smart idea."

"Why?"

"Well, because it's almost impossible to do, especially to do it well."

"Oh, yeah? Well, just watch this."

I'm afraid that is often my underlying reaction to "knowledgeable" hindrances.

So, I need to take this aspect of myself, stir in all the "messages" that have been coming my way this last week (all encouraging me to trust myself and what I want), and just jump into it and get going.

I stick my toe in the water, and it's a bit chilly and discouraging. Should I stop and wait? But really, I know the body will adjust to the temperature, I actually do love the swimming, and I'm wasting time standing here on the edge of the pool.

I'm in. (And you know, I can hear God laughing at me for all this dithering and procrastinating analysis.)